


They Tried...

by StevetheIcecube



Category: Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio), Doctor Who: Eighth Doctor Adventures - Various Authors
Genre: Also Eight baby don't hurt like this, Angst, Angst and Feels, Gen, I'm sorry Fitz, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 05:00:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2800493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StevetheIcecube/pseuds/StevetheIcecube
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was so much pain and the blood...it was intriguing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	They Tried...

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. Poor Eight.

They didn't know exactly what was going on. But there was all that trouble, all that hurt and those losses and everything was too much. Far too much, they could hardly think or breathe or do anything without remembering these hardships and it hurt. It hurt so much and they were confused. Was it meant to hurt quite this much? They had Fitz. Shouldn't that help?

The first time it happened it was an accident, really. They quite honestly had not thought of doing that to themselves. Maybe they'd been a little careless in the lab, sure, but that happened. Accidents happened (no don't think about accidents that have happened). Admittedly, they didn't clean up the beaker shards when the accident did happen, but they were busy! They couldn't stop to sweep up broken glass.

They really should have. Because stepping on that glass and not really noticing was the start of a chain that they broke only with regeneration.

They weren't at fault. No one was, not really, no one could be blamed about how they didn't notice the glass for a while. In fact, they didn't. Fitz came in to bring food for them to eat and he rushed over, insisting they go to the med bay and patch it up.

To be perfectly honest, they were so used to the sight of blood that the footprints left on the floor didn't even bother them. Just another thing.

The blood was pretty, and the pain was intriguing.

They should have recognised that something was wrong there and then they should have dropped Fitz somewhere where he would be safe for a bit and then gone to Gallifrey, where there would be experts in how trauma affected Time Lords. That would have been it. It would have been a difficult recovery full of relapses and lethargy, and Fitz would be annoyed that they left him for a bit but they'd explain and then they'd both be off on their way travelling again. But happier, this time.

They didn't recognise that something was wrong. They didn't, they just tried to keep going with compromised body armour and a faulty gun.

So they just kept going. But now, there was something they could do, and it felt sort of nice. It hurt, and it left marks that they knew weren't going to heal any time soon, but it felt good. Right, really. Hurting for the other people who hurt. Hurting in a way that their mind could not manifest in a way they could deal with.

Fitz never knew. Fitz never knew about the glass shards that were perfectly cut to press into their arms or legs or back and draw the beads of blood. Fitz never knew, and that was good, because Fitz didn't have to know about this. Fitz would be worried.

They should have been worried. But they weren't.

And then Fitz.

Fitz.

Fitz.

Fitz fitz fitz fitz fitz.

Fitz.

Fitz.

No.

He didn't deserve this.

No.

Fitz.

Please.

Don't die.

Fitz please don't die.

They didn't rest for weeks, trying to do something, anything, but nothing worked. They'd done it before, several times, but this time nothing worked. Nothing.

Fitz.  
Fitz…

When they woke up, they were on Gallifrey with their blood slowly replenishing itself. They were forced to see a therapist about it. They didn't even remember what happened.

They were allowed to go on their own way eventually, thankfully. They didn't know what they would have done if they'd been confined.

They wandered. They couldn't do anything else. They couldn't settle on anything either. They just had to keep going.

The therapy hadn't helped. There was still glass on the TARDIS and the glass still got pressed to their body and it was more often than before. They tried to stop but they couldn't. The pain from losing him was too much.

Then Charley happened.

\-----

Charley felt like a burst of sunlight. They were still feeling so empty, so hurt (sometimes they still woke up from a light sleep and expected to go to the console room and see Fitz, but instead the person there was shorter and blonde), but Charley made the happy act feel like not so much of an act.

They still used the glass, but they didn't need to as often. Things were still painful, but now there was someone, they didn't talk to themselves, and they put at least a little more effort into looking like they weren't an utterly broken and traumatised person who tried to slit their wrists that one time (they'd been so exhausted they'd managed to not hit something too serious).

But then, one day, they were just going along with business as usual, adventures with their new friend, new best friend (thinking that hurt, why did they even say it? It was true, but it hurt), and they had to take their jacket and waistcoat and shirt off, in front of Charley, Charley, who would know what was going on the second she saw the scars and the still fresh cuts.

They tried to smile at her as they removed their shirt, but they felt sick. The only people who ever saw this evidence were the doctors on Gallifrey who treated them after the incident. They didn't want Charley to know.

Charley gasped, and she was right to. "Doctor!" Of course, she sounded worried.

"Charley." They said.

"I don't care about the swimming." She said softly. "I wanted to see if that jacket was glued to you. You're always wearing it. I'm sorry."

They tried to smile. "It's fine. You go swimming, Charley. I've done it now."

She refused, and insisted they go back to the TARDIS together right now.

She really was their best friend. Even if it hurt.

\-----

"Doctor, tell me. Why do you do it?" Charley rounded on them the moment they got inside, and the TARDIS did nothing. Poor girl. She was probably worried sick too.

"I don't know." They wanted to be truthful with Charley. She deserved it. "It's been going on for a long time in your lifespan. Longer than you've been alive."

"Stop doing it." She said. "For me, Doctor, at least try."

They nodded, and they meant it. It was hard, but they did it. Charley watched them when they wanted to hurt themselves, and they managed it.

Charley leaves with a trail of tragedy and they revert back to the old habits because they don't remember how to deal in any other way.


End file.
